GAMBLER
by honmyo SeaGull
Summary: Three years ago. Gojyo alone in the little house. He can't remember the last night. And Hakkai is gone. Where the gambler learns what matters to him. Very vaguely hinted yaoi . Fin... Part 3 of 3.
1. So, Stay

Reviewer's corner : 

Hi ! Everybody ! I know it's been a while…But I was kinda busy…So, here is a summer piece again (November ? Really ? …And NO, I don't know what's being late means…)

« A thousand leaves » :

Hi ! **Tiqa ! ** lol ! I could quite picture you muttering something about leaves on your school's stool…Anyway, that was nice to read (big goofy smile). I'm sorry but it's still no Tenpou or Kenren, today…Will you forgive me ? Pleeease ?

**Crimson1 **: What you said was so nice…I don't know what to say more than I'm really flaterred you liked that story…

**Kanzeyori **: I think I said that once, but I really think it's the author who should feel thankful to be read…Thanks for the review, so !

**Sanada** : Ok. I'm really, really sorry I made fun about your missing zeros…Though, I have investigated about the point: DO swallow the zeros and the « O »s when there's too much in a row…Naughty …(big sigh). Well, I just wanted to say thanks again: you were big support while I was writing Gambler (bow low)… Anyway, I hope you're going well…Take care…

« Split seconds » : Ho ! Somebody read this one !!! Arigato Driftingwanderer ! This is a short piece, but I like it a lot : I'm glad somebody took the time to read it… 

**Disclaimer** : I can't forget they're not mine…

**« Gambler »**

#########**Part 1 : « So, stay. »**

Gods, his jaw was hurting.

Then, memory cut through the fog in his mind.

He couldn't believe it: Hakkai had hit him… It was the first time he had seen such an uncontrolled reaction from his friend. In fact, he didn't know what was the more surprising between Hakkai raising his hand against him or the reason why he could possibly have done that… He would have to ask him about it.

He had said something, obviously. Sha Gojyo. Always the one unable to keep his mouth shut… _Kuso_… He must have hurt Hakkai pretty badly for him to react such a way… If only he could remember clearly… And hangover wasn't the best of state to reckon what happened last night, sure.

Anyway, where was Hakkai?

**oOoOoOo**

Gojyo raised upon his elbows. He was lying on his bed. He frowned slightly. He couldn't remember at all how he had reached it. In fact, the hangover letting his head throbbing with pain was far more painful than Hakkai's blow…

He stood up eventually and made a beeline towards the kitchen. No Hakkai. Bathroom? He found a lot of ice-cold water to clear his head a little. But still no Hakkai. The green-eyed _youkai_ was used to wake up earlier than him. Maybe he was already out, that's all.

Gojyo was still standing in the main room, half-dressed. The towel he had used on his face still in his hand and dripping on the floor, he was looking around him. There was something odd in the house, today. Something looked… different. Amiss. He couldn't put a finger on it. And he remained here standing like an idiot a few minutes. Until realization dawned on him like a cold shower. Hakkai wasn't only out. Hakkai was gone.

And the _hanyou's_ mind went blank a few minutes more.

_Kuso_. _Kusokusokusokusokusokusokusokuso_…

And with a maniac attention (and maybe a hint of a slight taste for self-inflicted pain) he listed down inwardly all the little things being wrong or missing in the whole little house. All these little details which had claimed only yesterday that another being was living here with him.

He watched around him, his eyes wandering on the shelves. Books. A few books were supposed to be there. How Hakkai got them? He almost smiled. As soon as the green-eyed _youkai_ had been able to reach the city, he had been very popular. Always helpful, ready to give a hand for everything. Sometimes he had been paid. Never much money. Sure, Hakkai wouldn't have accepted any fee otherwise. So people were used to give him stuffs. Just like that. Most of them landing in the house of the card shark of the town (the one most of the people looked at with obvious contempt, how ironic!). And Hakkai enjoyed books. It had been quickly well known among the villagers.

Never read. Himself. These books. Well, Hakkai had. Not him. Only titles once. _Think_, he said inwardly while frowning slightly… One of them was… _The Art of War_. He shrugged alone in the room. It wasn't as if one of them had been some military man like, let's see, a general or a marshal. But Hakkai used to say he was interested (or could find an interest) in anything. In fact, Gojyo didn't miss the books. Well, yhea, maybe a little: in their own way (outstanding in the room's style) these books were nice on the shelf. Put there, they helped his few mangas remaining straight on the wooden plank. Now, they were all laying on the side, a little bit like run-aground fishes, even if Hakkai had been careful not to mess up anything in the house by leaving… Everything was still so… clean. It was even more obvious Hakkai had lived here once. But this time seemed over. The books were gone. Oddly, he hopped they wouldn't be too heavy for their owner. Then, he remembered Hakkai was a full _youkai_ and the weight of the paper was nothing to him.

This living room made him feel depressed.

Bedroom now. He needed a shirt. So he opened the closet. Gods. First thought: this guy can't take care of Himself. And he wasn't referring at his own self. Hakkai was going to freeze outside. The first times, they had shared clothes. The day Hakkai came to live with him, all that he owned was on his back. Gojyo had lent him shirts, denims… After a time and a few pieces of clothes brought later, some of them were still used by the two roommates. Property didn't really mattered between the two of them. Now it mattered, apparently. Hakkai had only taken his very own clothes. Nothing more. All of these shared clothes were still here. Hakkai had almost brought nothing with him. _Nothing which could remember him of me_, strangely interpreted Gojyo. The half-breed grabbed a shirt, pulling it out violently from the hanger. It remained useless in his hand as he forgot to put it on.

This closet made him feel depressed, too.

He went to the kitchen. And the last blow was waiting for him. He hadn't seen the first time he had had a brief look at it. The coffee pot still warm of fresh-made and strong coffee _and_ a glass beside on the table with some pill for his hangover _and_ the little vial of balm for his jaw. _How attentionate_, he thought bitterly. He picked a mug, filled it with coffee and brought it to the table.

No big matter, really! A few stuffs packed, that's all. He had left, so? Yes, he had indeed. The more Gojyo looked, the more he could find details showing the departure of the missing _youkai_. It was as if Hakkai had intended to erase any clue he ever lived here. And as if the _hanyou_ had just woken up from a bad dream to realize that reality was worse, he understood one thing more: with Hakkai gone, home wasn't home anymore. How the the hell the _youkai_ had grown so important in his little life?

He should have known better, though. People he began thinking they might care about him had always left. It was the way things happened in his life. His Brother. Now Hakkai. He shouldn't be surprised. What had he been thinking? Why would have the green-eyed _youkai_ been even willing to stay here?

But hope was still here. Even if he didn't want to think of it not to be disappointed later. He looked at the coffee again. He poured himself a mug a second time. Hakkai had prepared coffee for him. It was a ridiculous thing. But it showed he cared maybe a little. _Yhea, like the day your brother killed your stepmother before leaving anyway: the same kind of ridiculous deed,_ _nee_? said a part of his mind he didn't want to listen to. However, if only he could remember what happened last night!

And he may come back, doesn't he? It was possible : he had done that twice already… Running away…

_Wonderful_, he thought, _I'm sounding completely pitiful_…

But thinking of the past, it was spending a little time more before making a decision…

What was he going to do now?

**oOoOoOo**

It wasn't the first time Hakkai had left, that's true. The first time, Gojyo thought he would never come back. Death is supposed to be quite definitive after all. There was no hope so it hurt, but it wasn't like today. Gonou was gone, dead, as had said the monk. He had felt the dull pain in his chest. He resumed his life, feeling something was missing but not acknowledging the fact.

And _Hakkai_ had found him again. He had come back to stay.

The second one, he had come back again, even if Gojyo, like yesterday obviously, had said something wrong:

« You never told me why she chose to commit suicide. »

The question had slipped from his lips, one night. They had just been sitting in a comfortable silence, sharing an hot drink and a quiet card game, and… he had talked. In fact, it had never occurred to him to ask before. He hadn't even thought about it before talking. He realized what he had said only as he saw Hakkai's hand, holding a tea mug, frozen in the mid-air between the table and his lips. He looked clearly shocked.

_She_. Kannan.

« I'm sorry, I haven't thought before talking…and… », had added hastily Gojyo, breaking eye-contact. He was clearly trying to make forget what he had just said. Heard the sound of the mug put back on the kitchen table. When he answered, Hakkai sounded still calm and collected.

« It's true. I never said anything to you about that. »

Of course, it was already something, knowing his friend had killed a lot of people (No, Gonou had . It was rather hard –and rather disturbing- to picture Hakkai « killing » anybody in cold blood, now…): he was angry because _youkai_ had abducted his « wife », he was mad against the people who hadn't done anything to help her, and was desperate because he hadn't « felt » anything before coming back.

It's what Hakkai said once. And that what he had done was unforgivable. Gojyo hadn't answered anything, then. Maybe the former teacher was right. But the taboo-child had thought that time that unforgivable and understandable were not so opposite sometimes. He knew too, Hakkai had failed saving her in the end, in spite of everything. Then, the green-eyed _youkai_ had been very quick when he had told him he had reached her, but Kannan had refused following him or living any longer. Gojyo had always thought this reaction had something uncanny, and that maybe he was missing something important. He knew that and he had spoken, though. _Baaaka_.

But this time, Hakkai had told him.

As he talked again, it was as if he was telling somebody's else story. His face was unreadable. He wasn't looking at his roommate. Or even at his red eyes or hair as he used to do sometimes while… remembering. He was gone. Back to his former self. Back before the cell. And then the scene was familiar. It could see it almost every night, how would he forget?

« She was here. I called her name and she said mine. I was going to take her home. I would have found a way to take her out of here. But she knew she wouldn't come. She had already taken my weapon. I didn't feel it. And then she explained me why she couldn't follow me. She was pregnant with the child of… »

Hakkai's voice had failed him. He tried once to end his sentence again. His lips formed the words but they didn't get past his throat. This time he looked at Gojyo. Seeking the certitude his friend would not ask him to end the sentence.

Of course he wouldn't. Gojyo could only nod and look sympathetically at him. The mug was in Hakkai's hand again. Silence had come back in the little house. They could do as if nothing had happened. And Gojyo had to know one day or another.

Still staring at the space, Hakkai had heard the first drops of rain hit the roof. But tonight somebody else was thinking to same words he kept hearing those rainy days. It was comforting. Only a little bit, but comforting anyway, not being any more the only one to know about Kannan's last minutes…

Gojyo hadn't let show anything these few moments. His eyes had widened, but Hakkai was enthralled in his own thoughts. He wouldn't have noticed.

Pregnant. With the child of a _youkai_. Child which was a monster, an abomination she couldn't let live. A child like him. _Kami-sama_. This fact was enough to Gojyo to make him feel guilty for what happened. Because his own existence proved possible such things could happen, that mixed-blood taboo children were a reality. Beings so stained that the birth of a new one was unbearable for this woman locked in a cell. People like him, whose reputation had killed his friend's lover. It was… sickening.

And suddenly, there was no more difference in his mind between him and the child.

_She was ready to kill herself to kill me._

_Not you_, he tried to be rational. _Not you_.

And though, he felt the fear then. Because Hakkai was meant to discover what he was soon or later. But he couldn't tell him… How would he find the strength to lay his eyes on the green-eyed _youkai_, after that ?

I can't tell. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. But I can't keep quiet about that either, right?

And silence grew longer.

_If he says something, I tell him._

_If he doesn't, I shut my mouth._

A bet. So typical of the way the gambler made these kind of choices…

Hakkai spoke.

« My tea is cold. I'm going to brew some water. Do you want a coffee? » He was already standing up to reach the kitchen board, pushing his chair.

« I am a taboo child, » answered Gojyo. He had never liked waiting for the blow to fall. The last time he had done that, his « mother » was dead and his brother gone. He would always keep his eyes wide open against fate, now.

His friend knew everything about him. About his past. Everything out of the essential. He knew about his father who had left, his stepmother hating him and who tried to kill him. How his brother had interfered with the death's sentence.

When his friend had told him about his sister, he had suddenly realized Hakkai didn't know the most important. The new born _youkai_ ignored he was sharing a house with the same kind of abomination his sister thought was so horrible she had chosen to kill herself rather than let this child… live. He had told the monk while their walk in the forest following Cho Gonou, but Hakkai had never known…

« This is the meaning of the red eyes and hair… »

« What ? » asked Hakkai in a unsure way. The meaning of the sentence had just dawned on him. This time, the cup blew up on the floor. He froze, looking at the fragments near his feet. And then…

Gojyo's mind went blank. He processed Hakkai had left the house running under the rain only a few minutes later. He stood up. Sat down again. Didn't know what to do of his body, left alone with the silence and his own thoughts. He should feel better, now that everything was said, _nee_? But he didn't.

I've gambled… 

« I've lost… », he thought out loud, looking through the window. He took out a packet of cigarettes from his pocket, his numb fingers shaking slightly. Lighted a ciggie. Breathed out the smoke slowly, looking at the grey cloud hiding the window and the view outside. The pouring of the rain was ringing endlessly in his ears, numbing somehow, keeping him for a while from feeling anything. Petrifying his sense of loss… He remained in this frozen state a long time. He preferred looking at the tendrils and snakes of smoke dancing slowly for him. It was better than the weather outside. When his cigarette turned into a ash cylinder about to fall, it hadn't touched his lips again.

And suddenly, he shivered. It couldn't last like that any longer… This uncertainty. He just had to know. There was no place left for pride, right now. And he was growing really worried. Even if he had to beg, Hakkai had to come back. If not for staying forever, at least to escape from this fucking rain outside. But even trying to convince himself he was ready to let go of the green-eyed _youkai_ after if it was his choice, he realized something. He wasn't ready to let him go out of his life.

He grabbed his jacket on a chair and went to open the door. And stopped dead in his tracks before even a single step outside.

« I never really thought about the child, » said a well-known voice.

Hakkai was just in front of him. His hand had been about to grasp the handle when Gojyo had opened. Nothing else mattered now. His friend was back. Wet. Well, rather completely drenched. And certainly cold. Gojyo pushed him inside hastily, went in a frantic search for a towel. And words kept flowing meaninglessly from his mouth, talking of worry, needs (such as the said towel), bad weather, anything but what he had said previously. He wasn't ready yet to hear what kind of decision Hakkai could have taken while outside.

The full _youkai_ remained silent, knowing the _hanyou_ wasn't ready yet to listen anyway… So he preferred let him do as he pleased. Let himself being fussed over like some kind of doll. Gojyo was enthralled in his ferocious care. He managed to remove Hakkai's wet shirt. Headband and monocle were already gone. Gojyo found a towel and was already drying all by himself his friend's hair. The green-eyed man was sitting on the bed, eyes closed. Palm flat on his scar. He was still strangely ashamed of it while bare chest, even in front of Gojyo who had seen it in a much more atrocious state (to put it mildly) however. And waiting for the right moment to talk.

**oOoOoOo**

A moment ago, as Gojyo told him everything, Hakkai couldn't think clearly any more in the same room as the guy. That's why he had left. And run, in case Gojyo would have had the thought to follow him. He had already one day, after all. For once, the thoughts running wildly in his head were loud enough to keep him from listening to the damn rain. As he stopped running, he chose a relative shelter under a tall centuries old tree. Sat. Waited to come to term with his feelings. His friend was a taboo child. Like the one in Kannan's belly.

It was true he had never thought of Kannan's child after that day. This peculiar life didn't matter then. Like the thousand others of _youkai_, and dozens of civilians before. Only his sister mattered. It was the first time he really took the child in consideration. Seeing Kannan kill herself had shown him the disgust she had felt about her pregnancy. No doubt. And even if he had kept her from dying. Saved her. Brought her home. If they had kept the child... What would have happened? How would he have raised him (or she, he had realized: it might have been a girl, and it let him thoughtful… Because now, this child had always Gojyo's features in his mind…)? Would he have hated him, like Gojyo had been hated? Would have the child's existence (even being Kannan's) driven him into madness to the point he would have been able to kill him? And the thought chilled him. As Gojyo talked to him about his family, it had been as if he was able to see the scene. So easy to imagine the _chibi_ Gojyo. So easy to be afraid for him. To hurt with him. And now realizing himself would have been able to be the batterer… That thought hurt.

And how would he have known about Gojyo's ascendance ? But now…Taboo child, Hakkai had mused again inwardly. It explained a lot. Blanks in Gojyo's history, which he had noticed before but chose not to push as an issue. Aspects of his friend's behaviour. The sadness sometimes made flush when he let his guard down and thought Hakkai couldn't see. The way he wanted to be persuaded he didn't care much about anything (and love especially)…Fear of hurting under the mask of the charming card shark. At some point, the full _youkai_ had stopped thinking, and just remained under his tree while the rain was slowly freezing him outside like he was already inside. After a while he stood up and walked back home.

Of course, Gojyo would never know what ran in Hakkai's mind this night. Why he had come back once again. It wasn't a kind of apology to the unborn child he'd never know. It wasn't the fact Gojyo deserved better from people than he had already got (even if it was true). It wasn't because his hair's and eyes' colour was a powerful reminder he needed badly to keep sane. He knew everything now. He understood things better than before. It had been hard but he had realized it didn't matter, though. The only answer was that Gojyo's was were he wanted to be. That's all. And Hakkai waited to tell him that.

**oOoOoOo**

But Gojyo thought he didn't want to hear, didn't want to know. So he tried not to let the other the timeliness to talk. He went on with his meaningless speech (« You've been right to come back: it's turning into a real storm outside! »…). Once done making sure his roommate was all right, he had retreated quickly towards his own side of the room, took off his shirt and layed down on his bed without crawling under the sheets. It is late, he said, I switch off the lamp. Now sleep.

The moonlight with the stormy clouds, even through curtainless windows, didn't provide enough light for Hakkai to make out his silhouette on the other bed. But from his sitting position at the other end of the room on his own bed, with months of habit, he could quite guess Gojyo's lanky form, on his back, his arms tucked under his head. He was sure he was looking at the ceiling. The former human was loath to make Gojyo listen against his will, but he was much more stubborn than he let show. So he joined him. Lithe and silent shadow in the dark. And for one second, striking silhouette on the gloomy light coming from the window. Sat. The _hanyou_ felt the weight on the mattress but refused to look at him or to acknowledge this presence. It wouldn't be easy.

Don't look at me now that you know what I am. I don't want to see in your eyes what I see in all of theirs. Don't hurt me.

Gojyo's eyes widened as Hakkai changed position. He moved very slowly, as if the _hanyou_ was a startled animal he didn't want to frighten. One hand palm flat on the sheets, one side of his friend's face, the other one on the other side. The former human above him leaned forward. In the end, Hakkai was half sprawled on him, emerald eyes only a few inches from garnet ones Trapping him under his own body to force him to listen.

Very un-hakkaish. Hakkai never touched anybody. It had surprised Gojyo, the more he had learned to know him the last few months. He was very liked by the people around them, and it amazed Gojyo to no end, this way Hakkai had to attract them without meaning it. The _namaguza bouzu_ was the perfect example. The _saru_ was kinda nice and funny, and the weird little _gaki_ liked to visit them. The monk had no choice but following. And Hakkai made him talk. A few words the first times. Real conversations a little time later. And Blondie was lesser and lesser complaining any time he crashed here.

But Hakkai kept his distances. Never a handshake. Never a touch. Sometimes a polite bow, nothing more. Most of the people didn't realize. Because of the smiles. Because of soft spoken words. Hakkai had his way with words. But tonight they weren't enough, the former teacher had felt.

« Gojyo. Don't you _ever_ dare think such a thing would _ever_ make me despise _you_. »

And now the message was clear.

« So, stay, » answered simply the _hanyou_. Relief was too much to add anything more and made his voice sound hoarse. For once, it wasn't because of tobacco's smoke.

« _Hai_, » came the soft whisper.

And Hakkai stayed. In the little house.

And that night, even in the same bed as his roommate. The _hanyou_ had brought him in a tight embrace on the top of him and the green-eyed _youkai_ didn't protest. Gojyo didn't mind the close contact of the raw skin of the scar against his own stomach. It made Hakkai's presence even more « real » to him. He liked having one hand on his friend's nape, fingers buried in the soft chocolate hair where still lingered the smell of the rain. He liked his other hand on Hakkai's back, on the warm skin. He liked Hakkai's breath against his neck. He liked…

Too bad, the gambler was already aspleep… Strange how strong emotions could worn him out better than any other thing (sex included). This time he would have found love (he pretended not to be seeking) in the green eyes. Maybe not quite conscious-of-itself love, but love nonetheless. Pledge. Something strong, warm, and powerful, indeed. Somehow, Gojyo never realized it was the night where everything had changed for Hakkai, when their respective roles had been reversed. Since the first night, Gojyo had strangely always meant to be the one protecting the green-eyed _youkai_. But that night, Hakkai really began the one systematically taking care, worrying about Gojyo… And that was new to him, looking at things out of his own pains and grieves and sorrows, out of his self-centric dark world in which he had been still living for a few months, even under a new name.

That night, he truly became Cho Hakkai.

**oOoOoOo**

But Gojyo came back to his present. To his hurting jaw and his hangover. To the fact Hakkai was still missing. His legs gave up under him. He found himself seated on the bed. He needed a little time to decide what to do.


	2. I'll Go The Distance

**Warnings:** Not my characters, of course… (Well, the seer is, but I don't think somebody would steal my little blond plot-device…). Part 2 of 3. If yaoi there is, it's only slightly hinted. Not my language. And…Please, after reading don't kill the author if you want to know what happens next (you've got the right to send flames, though)…And a last thing: if you know the song where the chap's title comes from, don't picture yourself Hakkai in a red dress, this is highly disturbing…

**Reviewer's corner **: at the end, please…

################### **part 2 : « I'll go the distance. »**

But Gojyo came back to his present. To his hurting jaw and his hangover. To the fact Hakkai was still missing. His legs gave way under him. He found himself seated on the bed. He needed a little time to decide what to do.

But you have to understand something. The _hanyou_ had always had a strange way to live his life… In fact, most of the events in his existence had been influenced by little hazards, or even pure chance.

The day his brother had left him all by himself, he had had to decide where he would go. The only thing he was sure, was that he couldn't stay any longer in this house where he had grown and where his mother was dead. He took a coin from his pocket, one of those his brother always teased him with. North or South? The coin answered North. East or West? The coin answered East. The final one, too. North or East? Lady Luck told him to journey to the East.

This little choice had led his whole life from then. Growing up, he had become a gambler, and it was the only way he knew to earn money (almost) honestly. By the way, he still had the strangest way to make his decisions. Even with women. It was not easy thing to choose: they were all head over heels as soon as he was in a room! So sometimes, he made the cards talk. Eight of heart? It was the tall lady with the dark hair sitting at the bar. Queen of clubs? Maybe the sexy little golden-haired woman at table near his one…

####**Interlude : Card Telling One**####

_I'll tell you a story. _

_It was at first a usual-like night for the kappa gambler (not so long before settling down in the country where he would meet Hakkai, Sanzo and Goku a few months later), in this little town where he had already spent a few days. It had begun with cards, of course: poker, alcohol, good luck and royal flush. The logical following would have been a nice sex partner for the night. Though, right now he remained rather lonely, nobody willing to play or sit with him tonight, now that they were all broke. Not uncommon. It's true, people knowing what he was (it sometimes occurred and the word spread very, very quickly each time) could bear his presence while gambling and hoping fleecing him, but afterward they often didn't even aknowledge him any more. He had thought there was still a chance when a card-player eventually took the chair in front of his. Of course, his most charming smile blossomed on his face. It was a she._

_Cassandra, she had introduced herself. The same name as an antic seer who could see only bad news, she had said, laughing. A little woman in her mid-thirties with short blond hair, a sarcastic smile and huge blue eyes eating most of her face. A child in the body of a sex symbol, or maybe the other way round… He wouldn't clearly remember what they had talked about the first minutes, nowadays, but the conversation after had been quite strange. Sha Gojyo. The womanizer. He had talked with a woman, nothing more. Incredible isn't it? One of the few women whose name he could recall. Maybe because she hadn't been a lover. He would truly remember their chat only many, many days later, while waiting at the side of his own bed for a green-eyed young man to open his eyes again…_

_A seer, so. It was a good start. He had asked what kind of pleasure she could foresee for him tonight. She had arched an elegant eyebrow, openly challenging him: « Not afraid to know about your future? »_

_« Are you daring me? » he had answered. And she had taken her deck from her pocket with a sneer… It was a kind of bet, so. Gojyo had already almost forgotten his sex-prospect for the night…_

_« How will I know you're not telling bullshit about my future? »_

_« Hmmm. A sceptic. My favs! I swear on the Father, the Son and the Sceptic, and I cross my Heart. But I'm fair: I'll begin with the past, so you'll see… » She told him, crossing her chest mockingly._

_And then… Cards were put on the table and long time-buried memories were raised in the kappa's mind._

_« Let's see. Pick one, onegai… »_

_Ten of heart._

_« Marriage. Well, it's quite normal. Everybody has parents. No way I'm going to convince you of my gift like that, » she snorted. « Another one, please. »_

_Seven of heart._

_« With child, » she stated. « My! It must be you! Let's draw your lot to see… » she resumed, resolutely not listening to him as he retorted how impressed he was already, deliberately picking on her. But he kept taking cards, eliciting each time a little snapping sound from the little rigid sheets. It was a little monotonous so he handed the seer two cards in a row, that time:_

_ Ten of diamonds and Seven of diamonds._

_« Trap or Treachery, and… Gossip, » she said, licking her lips in an unconscious gesture to seek her concentration. « Not the kind of happy omen I was expecting. » _

_The gambler didn't answer. It was a little bit closer to home. He wasn't sure he liked that prospect. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to evoke past… He picked another card nonetheless, hoping for a change of subject._

_ Queen of spades._

_« A widow. So he is dead? Your father, I mean… » She looked rather satisfied. Something clear, at last. _

_He shook is head slightly. Were alcohol's vapours making his mind already that fuzzy, or what? He wouldn't start believe that only because a fucking card was telling it, right? Right? He leaned backward in his chair with a somewhat wistful sigh. Really it wasn't a good idea. Not as much fun as he had thought._

_His father. Dead. Somehow, it would be almost comforting. The only bearable excuse for the fact he never came back even once to see his sons. Gojyo had thought a lot about him during his childhood. A kind of tenuous hope. A recurrent prayer late at night in his bed, while hearing the sighs and the growls coming from the other room through the wall. He will come and he will accept me. I know he will. And he will take I and Jien. And he'll make Her happy enough to love me. And… _

_He never came. And chibi Gojyo waited. But false hopes are barely enough for a kid that age. He had asked Jien one day. How is he? Is he going to come back? And Jien knew the reason why of the question, of course. But he had none of the answers (he had barely known the man himself, after all), or for the ones he had… Maybe it wouldn't do Gojyo any good. Anyway, Jien often had a sad smile, then ruffled his little bro's hair._

_And ignored the question. _

_And Gojyo didn't dare push the matter further._

_« So you got raised by your mother. How was she? Beautiful? » the seer asked of Gokyo. Looking at the specimen in front of her, she was sure the woman had to be. Damn, the kappa wasn't a conversationalist. Would she have to do all the talking? was brooding the woman. But she was curious, too._

_Gojyo had a strained laugh. Yes, indeed. He had always thought his stepmother was beautiful. _

_« A lethal beauty, » he stated. _

_In fact, she had never been more beautiful than That Day, the tears flowing down her face as she tried to kill him with that axe._

The blond heard the bitterness in the words. Looked absent-mindedly at one card she had picked all by herself. And froze. Frowned while putting it back again in the deck while the gambler wasn't really paying attention. She knew the time to back off. Death. The card had told her this past was dark. Things she didn't want to know and the man didn't need to be reminded of, that's for sure. Time for a twist, so. She barely heard Gojyo continue his answer.

_« By the way, she was only my stepmother. » _

_Only? he thought, though. She was almost everything in fact. The one he wanted acceptance from and couldn't have. Only!_

_The woman said nothing. She took a sip from the glass of wine she had brought from her previous table. One second, she made the liquid dance before her eyes, looking at the man through the garnet liquid. She realized his eyes and hair were exactly the same colour as the alcohol. Ho. Of course. I should have noticed before, she thought. Hanyou. A child of solitude._

_####**end of interlude**_

Gojyo heaved a deep sigh in the empty room. He felt helpless. And didn't know what gnawed at him the most. Hakkai's departure or not knowing the reason why of it. If he hadn't drunk so much yesternight, his mind wouldn't be so foggy today and maybe he would be able to piece everything together… Then he remembered it didn't matter; the real problem being the green-eyed _youkai_ not being here so he could ask him. His mind was running this constant circle like a goldfish endlessly bumping against his fish tank's walls. Part of him thought he should just let go. It would be the easy way. The less sorrowful way. Longing for something you knew you couldn't have was certainly much more painful than just forget about it and resume his old life.

People come and go and walk away. Life goes on anyway.

Knocking sound at the door. He froze. It couldn't be…so easy. Not a second time. It was to good to be true, but he clang to the little sparkle of hope nonetheless and rushed to open the door. And stopped dead as he saw the newcomer.

« It's you, » Gojyo stated flatly.

« I didn't want to come, » retorted the monk dryly.

« I didn't ask you to, _namagusa bouzu_. »

« He did, » spat back the monk, pointing towards a grinning _saru _standing at his side.

The _hanyou_ sighed and let them in. He didn't have much choice in the matter. After a noisy greeting and a few insults-sparing (Gojyo answered only by the force coming from months of habit but half-heartedly ), the golden-eyed child had already disappeared in the kitchen. Sanzo settled at the table in the main room as if he owned the whole place. But he didn't look in a conversationalist mood, since he opened at once his paper and rather ignored the _hanyou_. Gojyo remembered his shirt was still hanging uselessly in his hand and donned it at last to look vaguely decent, but forgetting to button it. He hesitated a little and then sat at the table with the monk, idly fidgeting with his now empty coffee cup. It was strange. None of them had asked yet. Wasn't it obvious Hakkai wasn't here any more? At the first sight it looked so evident to him. How couldn't they realize how empty the place suddenly felt? He left this train of thought as he heard Goku's voice coming from the other room.

« Frigde is almost empty, » he told the monk as if it would interest him. « Will Hakkai come back soon with food? » he added, aiming at Gojyo, this time.

_Baka saru, he is not out shopping! He is gone, don't you see_? He should have said thatBut suddenly, Gojyo didn't want to tell. He had been waiting for the moment he would be able to spit his pain at the monk's and _saru's_ faces, but couldn't. Because putting it into words meant it was true and Hakkai would never come back. And the two of them? Would they ever come back in the little house, too, if the former human wasn't there any more to welcome them? The _hanyou_ doubted it. He tried to think it didn't matter much either (a pissing monk and a starving _saru_: who would miss them, here, anyway?), but…

Unfortunately, disturbed from his reading by the monkey's wailing and now waiting for the answer too, the monk didn't agree with this silence, and his cool violet gaze was rather unnerving. Maybe Blondie had at last felt something was amiss.

« Where is he? » he asked simply, but the edge of command in his voice was unmistakable.

But the _hanyou_ did as if he hadn't heeded, looking like searching frantically something in his pockets, something to light the cigarette he had just put between his lips, apparently. Maybe it wouldn't buy him much time, but…

Gojyo heard suddenly an aggravated sigh coming from across the table and the sound of something metalic sliding towards him on the tabletop. Sanzo's lighter. It surprised the _hanyou_ greatly. Do you imagine Genjo Sanzo lending his paperfan (or his gun!) to the _saru_, for example? Well, the lighter was almost as « holy » and the _kappa_ no better trusted…The _kappa_ used the silvered item nonetheless. But didn't really felt better after the first puff of smoke. Thinking maybe the sooner was the better, now, he just decided to let it go and see what happens. He talked at last. Maybe a little bit much aggressively than needed.

« He left, that's all. Why do you care? »

Sanzo was about to answer dryly by letting his paper down he wasn't blind and perfectly able to see that indeed the _youkai_ wasn't here, as he realized. The _hanyou_ looked very, very down. He had seen him only once in this state. It could only mean Hakkai wasn't out. But gone. Damn. He stared more closely at the half-_youkai_'s face. There was skin a darker shade on the cheek-bone near the older scars…A blow, he guessed. That was bad. His eyes narrowed slightly as he growled icily his answer:

« If he wants to do something foolish or endanger himself I don't care. If he hurts somebody, it becomes a problem and unfortunately my responsibility since I had the stupid idea to speak for him in front of the Three Aspects. »

« He wouldn't do anything like that! You, damn monk! » he shouted back.

Out of instinct, Gojyo had jumped from his seat and his hands fell palm flat on the table as he loomed over the monk. Scarlet eyes were blazing with fury. The _kappa_ couldn't help it. He didn't like the way the monk had spoken the words. As if Hakkai was still a criminal on the run or the unstable young man he had known as Cho Gonou. Of course Hakkai wouldn't harm anybody! And he didn't want to think about the other words; he wanted to believe Hakkai was alright and fine wherever he were…

Sanzo just breathed a very thick cloud of smoke, staring at him jeeringly. _Really_? seemed to scream the cold stare. Gojyo felt the flush on his face as he realized what the _bouzu_ was watching so intently. The bruise which still burned his face, of course.

« You mean…He is really gone…gone? » It was Goku who had just appeared near the monk. He, at least, sounded a little sad. And strangely, it washed Gojyo's anger away as a new pang of loss hit him. His knees buckled and he landed on his chair again.

« I got dumped again! » the _hanyou_ summed up suddenly, leaning backward on the seat, fatalist, not really looking at them. He felt a strong feeling of _déjà-vu_. The monk's answer surprised him, though.

« I don't know why you complain…You don't look like you tried very hard to keep him here… » he stated, soooo comforting, like usual.

The simple words were running havoc in the _kappa's_ mind. Who did he think he was this worldly monk to use such a contemptuous tone? he first thought angrily. But then, the meaning of the sentence came back to haunt him. Try to keep Hakkai here? It wouldn't be that simple: he couldn't tie Hakkai to the bed because he needed to feel him nearby, right? Or was it? Was it so easy that he should just ask for the _youkai_ to come back? And himself… Why would he ask? Was he ready to beg? But in fact, the answer was clear: because it was what he wanted so badly, of course he would be willing to beg. The only problem being he had lost any opportunity simply by wallowing here in his self-pity instead of looking for what was missing in this home!

But doubt can't be so easily erased. Because the main interrogation was Hakkai himself. Why would somebody like the former teacher content himself with the mediocre life a card shark could offer? Of course, he couldn't know until he ask, but…His hands flew to his face as he let go of a mirthless laugh. He was doing it again. Giving up. Yet, in any tavern brawling it wasn't even remotely like him to go down without a fight! But as for his personnal life: it was an endless row of endings without a fight…

He had always thought of life as a game of Chance. After all, he had had no say in his own birth. No say in the past's events that made his life and chilhood the way they were. All had been others' decisions.

His father decided to have a lover else than his wife; a human one. He had decided to leave his house and let the illegitimate child with his spouse.

His stepmother had decided to hate him. She had decided his didn't deserve to live.

His brother decided she was wrong and she deserved to die for that. He decided to abandon him.

And he? Gojyo let them do as they pleased and held back his tears each time.

For the first time, he pondered the idea to act according to nothing else but his own will. Even if he had to swim against the flow of events rather than letting it toying with him. It was easy once you knew what you truly wanted. After all, he had often thought cheating at cards was part of the game. Why wouldn't he do the same with the cards dealt by Fate? Resolution was building slowly in him.

« You know what's your greatest mistake? You took him for granted, you fool… »

« He is the one who said he would stay! » Gojyo snapped back even if he wasn't really sure if the previous sentence had been uttered by Sanzo or his own mind. Too bad his answer sounded too much like a child whining, though. But the fact was, he still could hear the soft « _Hai _» Hakkai had whispered the day he had asked him to stay…Whatever being the ending, he needed at least to remind the green-eyed _youkai_ of that fact. He had promised.

« I've always been wondering why he was staying here, anyway… » mused the _namagusa bouzu_ out loud, hiding a smirk behind his paper. He discreetly watched Gojyo striding along in the room, busy looking for various stuffs. The _hanyou_ was preparing for leaving and seeking Hakkai, obviously. It was about time…And one task less for him.

« It's none of your concern, » replied the _kappa_ with the strange calmness of the one who has reached a decision. Which was better than admit he hadn't a clue either of the former human's reasons, anyway…

« If you don't bring him back, I'll have to do it myself. Don't screw it, » warned the monk as a goodbye.

« And tell him… » Obviously, the _saru_ was looking for something to say which would convince Hakkai of coming back to them. « Tell him I miss his cooking! » added Goku in a bright tone.

####**Interlude : Card Telling Two**####

_Her wineglass landed noisily on the tabletop to break their silence. Still half-drown in his own thoughts, the kappa looked absent-mindedly at her hands picking swiftly a new card. Until she put it under his very nose with the delighted smile of the child who has found a new toy._

« Love, » she stated triumphantly. It was the ace of spades. He sighed. Wonderful. He begrugingly chose another card to go with this one. She glanced at it with a knowing smile which clearly meant she thought it suited him well…

_« I don't know why this number especially, but seven of spades is the one for faithlessness or… Inconstancy! »_

_« Seven, hu? It's because it's designed for people like me: a woman for each day of the week… » he grinned with the unbearable self-importance of a braggart. She sniggered in her drink, but like the hanyou's mood, hers had lifted a notch and she teased:_

_« Wait, let's see whether it will last! » He rolled his eyes at such a spoilsport's language but she had already made him choose two new omens._

_« Ace of heart is supposed to meant a House, » she explained._

_« House? That's funny, I don't have even that! » Was there a hint of something wistful in his voice?_

_« You will. You're going to settle down at last! » she said with great confidence. «You don't want to know about the gift which comes along with it? Nine of clubs announces a gift or a surprise, yunno? » she added. With a big smile, she showed him the fan of the remaining cards for him to pick some._

_« Hu, ho. Jack of clubs. »_

_« What? » he asked, because he didn't like aaaaat all the look she threw him._

_« The cards say it's a dark haired young man, I'm sorry! » she had said, suddenly erupting in a burst of laughter and looking at his disappointed face. Because it was so damn funny, this fishy face of the card-shark…_

_« Wonderful! You were right: as you said you can only see bad news! » he had retorted coolly…_ _She had laughed again, tears of mirth in her eyes and almost choking in her glass. _

_« And I see green, a beautiful shade of emerald green! » she added proudly. « The eyes, I'd say: I haven't met any people with a green skin yet, and I'm still waiting for green hair, too… » _

_« How do you see the green, by the way? » he had asked, dubiously of course._

_« A matter of complementary colours… » she had said, leaning over the table and seizing a strand of crimson hair between her fingers. « Wanna know more about him? Go on! Pick other ones! » _

_He was pissed off but complied again… But she quietened down suddenly at the sight of the new cards. She spoke very softly:_

_« He is a widower, as says the king of spades. And the eight of spades mean trouble and melancholy weigh heavily on him. »_

_He could have complained again about the stupidity of it all. But instead… It would explain why the two of us are meant to get along well, together, he had strangely thought._

_The game of future-telling lasted a little more with unlikely predictions. And to Gojyo, it still made really no sense. In the end, he felt even a little uneasy: was it all that his life was worth? A few cards messed up on the table? It wasn't much. And because he didn't want to believe future was already written, he let his anger boiling in him with the alcohol he drank. In the end he just growled:_

_« That's all bullshit anyway! »_

_« Wanna bet? I'll remember all I said, you know? » she smiled, but a little sleepy herself. She said a last thing, while waving him goodbye as they parted:_

_« Trust your luck and follow the heart! » _

_« How cliché, » he had stated disgustedly._

_« Awfully cliché. But even in the worst one the truth always lies, otherwise it wouldn't be called a cliché, » she pointed matter-of-factly._

_« Which one anyway? »_

_« Heart? Not the one of the cards, the one in the chest… »_

_« I don't know anything about this one! » he whined noisily as only a drunkard can._

_« You'll find it back on you're way, someday! One never knows over what one can stumble… »_

_####**end of interlude**_

Take the night when he had met Hakkai, now (well, he was still Cho Gonou, then). Why on Earth had he to take the man home, nurse him to life, protect him later from the people coming to arrest him, follow the runaway again… Sometimes, he thought it was the smile. The one of somebody knowing he was dying, and even willing to. Sha Gojyo often did what was the exact opposite of what he was expected to. But really, this night was really the strangest choice he had ever done. The reason wasn't the smile though… It was a question of complementary colours. Even with the darkness and the rain, he had noticed the stranger's eyes. Green. Emerald green. It had been the first time for long he hadn't made a decision thanks to a bet.

How true. You never know over what you can stumble… It's what Gojyo was thinking of as he left the house in the forest.

OOOOOO to be followed OOOOO

**Reviewer's corner and author's ranting **:

Ok. I've got a lot of apologizing to do here.

1) Plot:I know I don't tell why Hakkai has left, and nothing much happens in this part…My point here was Gojyo _before_ he met Hakkai, I'm sorry for you…Plus, as a yaoi lover I usually don't like female characters, though there's a OC here, as you noticed. Too bad, I couldn't picture Gojyo really talking with a guy before a certain green-eyed _youkai_…Gomen. As for the card-tellings, it was a self-indulgence of mine and I had fun, though I realize now readers might not like the part much…Gomen again.

2) Grammar and edition : First, I can't use properly the quickedit until I find a way to use Mac OS X on my puter (long story, don't ask) so, gomen… If the edition is really bad or bothers you, I can send my own doc. Just ask (seagull at 9 on line . fr –without the spaces-). As for my grammar (bows low in shame especially in front of **Cesmith** and **Driftingwanderer**), I know it could (or rather should) be improved. I'm awfully sorry for that and I thank you all for bearing with me. I'll try to do better, though it's been a while I have really read something in English, and it doesn't help my writing, I'm afraid.(Rectification, I'll have to deal with a thick book this week for my studies… 500p of « History and its images »…Why do I suddenly wish I were Tenpou?).

3) Deaaaaar readers : Thanks for the feedbacks, you're all so nice!

So, **Sanada**, let's check again whether this website is haunted, OK? Have a nice week!

**Cesmith**, I was so delighted by your comments: you always see right through what I want to express, it's a real pleasure!

**Gojyolover, **here comes more Gojyo!

**Crimson1, **I promise I'll tell everything about the previous night in the next chapter…I swear…(runs for her life and hides till next loading)

**Tiqa, **I'm really sorry I got you called « crazy »… Gomen…If I remember right, you already broke a chair because of me, too…(sobs)You really sure you still want to read what I write??? Take care…


	3. New Deal

**Warnings and disclaimer still apply.**

**Reviewer's corner : at the end, please.**

**Trivia : **Would somebody know where I could find a translation of Bus Gamer (English or French, if possible, even German I should be able to manage…or Italian because I am that desperate and everything is possible with a dictionary…)?

Thanks already!

Here is the end…(sobs).

################### **part 3 : « New Deal. »**

How true. You never know over what you can stumble… It's what Gojyo was thinking of as he left the house in the forest.

During the rainy night he had found Hakkai, he didn't remember at all the cards' tale. That evening, all was grey: as the gloomy rain as the silent night. He was walking in a kind of confused fog of various thoughts.

And then, _He_ was there. First, Gojyo had simply thought it was a corpse. But when you've seen the corpse of your beloved « mother », once, why would you fear the corpse of an unknown stranger? He came closer again. And stared. A fellow brother human…Around his age…The _kappa_ looked at him the way you would contemplate the mirror of your own death in the one of a person who could have been you indeed …

_Will I die too, if you die?_ the strange thought came. He didn't dare voice it. He just nudged the body with his foot. And pale eyelids came open, revealing dark emeralds in the stead of two irises. As sudden as lightning, all was different. A few seconds ago, he was still wallowing in his own red and now… Lady Luck was offering him another colour to consider…Green. In spite of the gloomy atmosphere he noticed that point well. Because he watched intently the green. Something within the green colour stirred in his mind. Even if he would remember the cards' call only during the long days and hours he would spent at the bedside of the sleeper. Waiting for him to open these eyes one time again.

Complementary. That's true they were. Not only in colour. Antagonist to the point it was almost funny. To the point people often turned on their heels to stare at them any time they were together. To the point the presence of the other around was the same kind of certitude as the one you have two hands. To the point the need of the Other sometimes hurt.

oOoOoOo

_And suddenly on this lonely muddy path, you're looking at yourself following like a hound the faint tracks of the one who is gone, breathing the fresh wet air as if you could catch his smell in it… Now, you're feeling like a hunter. But this instinct is not led by mere hunger. Yet, you're feeling as if it was a matter of your own survival. _

_First, it was easy: the area is well known of you. You just have not to forget you're looking for something (no, somebody) and not only aimlessly wandering. Your intimate knowledge of the brunette's mind makes sometimes things easy: you just know. Which footpaths he likes to take, which landscape he enjoys looking at. Maybe he has chosen those paths more willingly. The colour of that flower, like a spot in the green, you are sure it has caught his eyes (it's red…). But everybody has limits._

_Unfortunately, you realize you're nothing like the saru who is used to follow his master by the smell (if not leading him by the nose, most of the time… Poor blind monk…), and you don't even know exactly how much time ago your « prey » has left. And after the strange frenzy of the first miles, almost running… All that you understand, now, is that the trail is cold. You're a pathetic (and slightly out of shape since you spent to much time in the bars, lately) gambler, but no hunter. Running? But what for if you don't know where you're heading? So, you stop walking. Just like that. Because how the hell are you going to fulfill the task you've given to yourself?_

oOoOoOo

Forest is empty around him and Hakkai won't be as easy to find as the dying Gonou, especially if he doesn't want to. The way the _youkai_ seems to have vanished from Earth's surface tells enough the _hanyou _about his will not to be found again. He wouldn't have chosen a place where he was well-known So what, now?

Gojyo's mirthless laughter echoed in the surroundings as he found the answer. In one of his pockets, his hand fished a familiar shape: one of the little coins he was always carrying around. His fingers played with the golden item for a while, catching scarce rays of light flowing through the partly autumn-coloured leaves above him.

It always came to the same point, didn't it? Somebody would abandon him and he would leave as well. And he would seek his destination in hazard.

Gojyo stared at the two roads parting before his very eyes. The ground was too dry to hope finding tracks, here. The coin flew very high, almost to the point touching the foliages and fell back in his hand. Left. He tried not to remember that day Hakkai had told him that the old word for left was « sinister »…(**1**) This path looked indeed darker and wilder than the other. Maybe more attractive for a runaway, so. He walked stubbornly the whole day. It was almost dusk as he reached a tiny village (only a few houses) well-hidden in a shady hollow. The most lit up of all (which was not much really) could be a mediocre inn. Why not? He entered the place.

The _hanyou_ scanned the crowd. More numerous than he had thought from outside and too busy to really care about his arrival: it was for the better. Lady Luck (he realized his hand in his pocket was still gripping the little coin) was with him, for once. Gojyo could see him, just overthere. A few steps through the customers and he would be able to reach Hakkai, talk to him.

But he understood he was unable to do the last steps even after the long walk to arrive till here. Gojyo could only stand here, frozen, and look at his friend from afar. If he still could call him that. It's how he gave up. He had been stupid enough to trust cards. Cards were only useless paper sheets. He shouldn't seek his fate in cards. He wouldn't do the same mistake again. And omens were bullshit. Green and red, hu? He was already turning around to go out of the busy little inn as somebody grabbed his arm.

« Green and red! I knew it! » a female voice almost shouted at his ear to cover the room's rumour. He looked down. Cassandra, who else? Looking like working here, a huge tray covered with empty glasses leaning over her right hip. She didn't bother with greeting the redhead, she just averted her eyes to look towards the fireplace at the back of the room…

« Hakkai-san! Somebody's here for you! » she cried out even louder over the crowd. The _kappa_ could have sworn he heard a delighted laughter in her musical voice. He was caught.

The green-eyed _youkai_ raised up his head in wonder at the call and beheld the halfbreed. Hakkai's first reaction was to smile at first sight, like usual any time the _hanyou_ came around. But it faltered quickly as he remembered why he had left. The _youkai_ tried to leave his chair and reach the other way out of the inn. But even before knowing it, Gojyo had caught up with him with a few strides through the customers. Without thinking, he grabbed the _youkai_ by the shoulder.

_Gotcha_.

It surprised him how triumphantly the word rang in his head, with a heavy pang of relief in the same time. Tension left him suddenly. And the _hanyou_ found himself at loss of words as the other one eventually looked at him, a little uneasy, his bag still hanging from his shoulder… Silence could have lasted long like that…A little embarrassed, Gojyo let go of the green fabric of his friend's shirt, but remained standing very near. (**2**)

All Hakkai could do was following, now. The now-waitress-seer led them to a small room without a word. Now that they were alone in there, Gojyo wasn't sure what to do any more.

Once again, he felt the need to touch to be sure the other one was really here, and most of all be sure he wouldn't escape again. Coming closer, he didn't dare a hug, it would have been a little awkward. But the grip of his hand enclosed Hakkai's arm in some kind of urge of contact. He felt suddenly very possessive. He brought the _youkai_ closer to speak near the green-eyed one's ear.

« So, now you have to explain what happened last night. Why did you leave? You told me you would stay, once. »

Reproach made his voice hoarse.

The quiet intake of breath before talking had brought to Gojyo's nose the strong scent of rain, wet earth and decaying leaves from the green garments. The smell of the forest he went through to end here. And underlying on the skin, lingering here as he leaned in slightly closer towards the _youkai's_ neck, it was purely Hakkai's. Or, not…There was also a trace of tabacco which couldn't be Hakkai's…so… No, it was the smell of home, he realized in quiet wonder.

Enthralled in his small discovery, the _kappa_ didn't notice Hakkai's little silence before answering. He was taken aback. Did he really say that? When…? Ho.

_So, stay_. Almost a plea. Hakkai frowned slightly in concentration while recalling the strange evening. The old word rang so clear in his mind:

_Hai_, he had simply answered. It was the first time he really remembered it, in fact. It was so obvious he would stay, he had never thought of this day again after that. And he really meant it, then. He just couldn't predict what would happen, right? So, had he really broken a oath by leaving? But how do you keep a promise if you don't know exactly what you are? If you can't count on yourself to remain true to your word?

« Why did you leave, so? I don't understand at all, » Gojyo resumed.

The green–eyed _youkai_ had no idea what to expect from his roommate as he had found him. He didn't even think the man would _seek_ him. And, sure, he didn't expect simply that. What happened? What a strange question! He had left not to have to face it. And because he thought the _hanyou_ wouldn't want either. And now…It was as if Gojyo didn't know at all what his friend did yesterday. But Hakkai knew. The scene of the whole evening played again in his mind like an old film, but strangely vivid. It was strange.

Hakkai heaved a deep sigh. He tried to carefully put his words:

« The real question is not why I left…It's why I couldn't stay. »

#### **interlude : « Leaving » **####

_I can't stay. _

_Because after what happened, it had been the green-eyed youkai's only certitude. He was looking at the kappa still out cold on the floor and it was the only clear thought present in his guilt-stricken mind. It was too serious. Even begging forgiveness at the hanyou's awakening wouldn't be enough. He would have been unable to get the words « gomen nasai » past his throat, anyway, because he knew there was no excuse for what he had done. _

Gojyo hadn't seen anything, of course. Wasn't even awake afterwards. Maybe that's why the hanyou couldn't really grasp his friend's state of mind. During the minute Hakkai made this decision to go away, he had been all fear. Fear of what he was. Fear of the violence swirling inside him which he hadn't been able to master enough to control himself. Was it what it was to be a youkai? The fact is, it made the decision almost easy for somebody the thought never even once brushed he would have to leave the place one day.

_He didn't felt like being forgiven. The fact he knew Gojyo certainly would didn't help the matter at all, he thought too, while taking care of his inconscious friend nonetheless and carrying the hanyou to his bed. That's why he packed is stuffs in such a strange frenzy. The only thing he wanted was to be forgotten. Leaving without a trace was his only wish. As if he had stained anything he had touched in the house. That's why he tried not to forget any of his few belongings… It wasn't some kind of greed motivating him, of course not!_

_He couldn't let it happen again, and he wouldn't allow it. What if he would become a batterer as he dreaded once? Indeed, even if because of twisted circumstances, he had hit Gojyo because he was a taboo child. And the thought was sickening. Even more sickening than the words the hanyou had said. He really wanted to erase every single memory of the days he had spent in here so far. In order to erase what happened one single day._

_ There were nights like that. The hanyou would come back home very late in the evening (meaning very early in the morning rather). Nothing much really, most of the time: the gambler would have spent the night with some woman whose name he would have forgotten in the morning, even bragging about how sweet her skin was in front of his breakfast… _

_But it wasn't always the case. In fact, it was the very few times Gojyo hadn't found a suitable bedmate Hakkai had learnt to fear. First, the hanyou would be much more drunk than usual. To the point it was a wonder he had remembered where he lived and managed to reach the place. It was enough in itself to be worried. If the former teacher was lucky, the hanyou would fall asleep instantaneously and he would simply have to drag him to his bed. Or… _

_He would be conscious enough and would talk. And Hakkai dreaded these words, because alcohol had the power to make the walls down. All of them. And Gojyo would say things. It made him sick._

_Gojyo was a good man. Hakkai had learned to know him. He had learned to care about him. He was so much more than the words hanyou or taboo-child much people used to brand him. It was easy to despise these people who spoke like that of his friend; but what could he do whenever his friend called himself unworthy of living? The horror and the pain to hear such words were chilling, because how could Gojyo even think such a thing? How many people had told him so for him believing it could be true? _

_Hakkai couldn't stand it. It hurt him too, so deep he could remember during a split second what pain was, he who had hardly felt anything (or refused to) since he had been turned into « Cho Hakkai ». It just had to stop, even if it was Gojyo talking of himself. He begged him to stop saying such things._

_A few times, it had worked because his voice could still reach the man in the bottom of his despair and his drunken stupor. The card-shark would suddenly shut up and look at the brunette with a strange light in his scarlet eyes and would call his name with the edge of a pending enquiry, as if it was a wonder his presence here at his side._

_ Not yester night. Because that time, so enthralled in his own delirium, the kappa wouldn't listen… But at some level, the former human just snapped. Just like that. The hanyou had to stop or he, Hakkai, would be the one screaming through the red veil fallen on his vision. Hakkai hadn't felt his hand turning into a tight fist. He realized he had struck only as he felt the pain in his own knuckles. _

_Gojyo had fallen like a doll. No exclamation. The fist flying towards his face, he had looked at it coming as if he hadn't understood. As if it was an impossibility suddenly come true. Hakkai doesn't touch people… How would he hit? _

_But the question wasn't the how. The question was the why. Words. Simple words of self-loathing from his friend. It was strange how Hakkai had been utterly unable to bear it. The way the hanyou had talked of himself… How come it affected him that way? Hakkai didn't dare thinking of it. He just had to make him stop! His calm came back with the silence in the main room. And then realization._

_Know yourself. Learn to master the beast inside you, now, had said the Three Aspects. Good program. But for the new-born youkai, it meant a scary discovery of what laid behind the humanity's mask. He had thought limiters were enough to keep violence in check. He had been almost able to forget what he was, that evening. As if nothing had changed in his body and in his soul. As if he hadn't been marked by his deeds. But now… How easily his self-control had been broken! It had just snapped without warning. _

_Power or feelings, he wasn't sure he was able to master them without endangering people around him. Endangering Gojyo._

_So he chose to leave. Simple, isn't it?_

_The road he had followed, he hardly remembered. And that's how he had ended here around noon. He had been welcomed by a pretty little woman so friendly (and he being so polite) he couldn't avoid telling her his name. He decided he would spend a few hours resting, but would leave again at the falling of the night. He didn't feel far enough yet to stop. _

« By the way, I love your eyes, » she said by leaving to bring him tea and food, as if the sentence had a meaning he couldn't get.

A few hours later, Gojyo was here too. Hakkai couldn't decide whether he was happy or not.

##### **fin de l'interlude** #####

« Why did you leave, so? I don't understand at all.»

And Hakkai talked, looking at the empty space while speaking. And Gojyo was listening intently, of course. But the more words were flowing from Hakkai's mouth, the more the _hanyou_ felt himself wonder.

It was all? I said something like that and it was enough to… 

It was beyond his understanding. A long time ago, maybe it would have made some sense…Maybe he remembered his brother having had that kind of reaction and being angry at him (or even really upset) for the way of his little bro' was talking about what he was. Gojyo was only a child in that times, and all he knew was that his « mother » refused to love him. It was so easy after that to believe all the awful things the other people in the village said about him or what he was. Jien had tried to explain to him why it hurt so much to hear his baby brother speaking like that and most of all _why_ Gojyo hadn't have the right to even believe it. Then, almost shyly, Jien would always add he loved him anyway and tell him again that it hurt to hear those words in his mouth. But Jien was Jien. He was his brother, so he cared. Hakkai _wasn't_ his brother. He shouldn't be pained by such words. He was supposed to be like everybody else and _believe_ these words. But it wasn't the case…

Gojyo. Don't you ever dare think such a thing would ever make me despise you.

Ok. Maybe Hakkai cared, so. It was almost unbelievable, almost a miracle, something he never would have thought would happen to him again after Jien. Jien who had left, eventually. Because his fierce love for a brother who wasn't worth it had bent him to kill his own mother. Of course Jien couldn't stand to lay his eyes on him again, after that…

But Hakkai? What had he done to arrive at the same result? He had left as everybody else had, eventually. Maybe the green-eyed _youkai_ somehow read the interrogation on his features…

« I wounded you, » only shrugged Hakkai. The _hanyou's_ hand flew on its own towards his jaw, brushing the dark bruise on his skin. He saw the former human's wince for this gesture reminded him the blow he had given was still hurting his friend. He shot again an apologetic glance at the _kappa_.

_Not the way you think_, could have said Gojyo. But the _hanyou_ never had been really good at expressing his feelings. He sighed. Maybe it was time for him to change a little. He couldn't ask Hakkai to open up to him if he wasn't able to do it a little, too…

« It hurts more when you're not here. I just can't let you go like that… » he answered looking wherever in the little room as long as it wasn't towards the green-eyed _youkai_. But false pretexts were so much easier, even if the meaning of the sentence was still hanging in the silence between them. « …_Ma_! It's too easy fleecing Tonpu and the other ones in the tavern… I need a decent card partner once in a while to spare with me, after all! »

Hakkai spoke again at last:

« Maybe you're the taboo child, but I am the one bringing bad luck around me… » he whispered softly.

« I don't care about bad luck, » retorted at once the _kappa_. « I know how to cheat at cards! »

This time, Gojyo heard Hakkai's small laughter welcoming the strange answer. The green-eyed _youkai_ would have been unable to explain the why of this sudden mirth he felt because of such a light conversation. As for Gojyo, he had missed that sound badly. When he was a young _hanyou_, a lot of people had laughed because of him. It was because people were wicked. It was because people hated what he was. As long as he had been a child, he had hated the laughter. The only one he could cherish was his brother's one every time they had been playing tricks to each other, or just speaking about the life they wanted to have later, sharing dreams. He was all a grown-up now, and knew that dreams were only dreams… But Hakkai was different. His laughter was a light thrill of wistful mirth. It never hurt. Even if sometimes he knew Hakkai well enough to understand whenever his friend could use it like a shield, exactly like himself was using his obnoxious behaviour to hide a part of him.

« So, how come I always win? » asked Hakkai looking at him straight in his eyes, this time.

« Because _you_ aren't a _bad deal_, » answered solemnly the card shark.

« I see. »

« No, you don't, » cut quickly Gojyo. « But as far as you come back with me, everything is going to be alright. »

But unexpectedly, Hakkai seemed to be cowed again. The kappa felt his hopes crumble. What he feared the most, his worst demons had always been the others' look; Hakkai had almost healed him of that, somehow. But as for him, what Gojyo could do about the former human's inner demons (or inner _youkai _should I say?). He couldn't fight what was inside the other one even if he could see that was hurting him…

« Hakkai, » sighed the _kappa_. « Sometimes you make me miserable. »

After a short dispirited pause, though, he added with a sudden wild grin blossoming and the familiar glint of the gambler burning in his red irises: « Heads, I win so you stay. Tails, I lose and you…do whatever you want. »

In a smooth gesture, he took something in his trousers and sent it towards the ceiling. The little metallic disc was already high in the air, Hakkai couldn't protest any more. All was a question of luck, now. A bet.

It's now or never. I can't lose.

As the coin fell, Gojyo caught it flying, and put it decisively on the back of his left hand, covering it with the other. Standing still, unmoving, slightly leaning forward as if to have a better view on his own hands…Maybe suddenly unsure.

It was so different of the man Hakkai used to know! It was kinda disturbing, but somewhat very revealing. The _kappa_ took a deep breath before removing his other hand in order to watch the coin. But a third hand enclosed his wrist first, preventing him to have a decent look. Hakkai spoke slowly as the coin remained hidden under the _hanyou's_ palm.

« You win. Trust me, I always guess right. You well know, don't you? »

Because who was he to decide in the stead of Gojyo whether he was still willing to take the risk to have him around?

Gojyo nodded once.

« Fine, » concluded Hakkai by releasing his grip. The coin disappeared swiftly in a pocket. The gambler (what a shame) didn't dare look at the result. As Hakkai said, it was fine.

oOoOoOo

« You're leaving together? » called a female voice as they came downstairs a few minutes later. Hakkai nodded. (**3**)

oOoOoOo

They were walking in a companionable silence. A quality of silence which always amazed Gojyo to no end. He had experienced a lot of silences since the day he had left home years ago, just after Jien. Contempt's silence. Hate's silence. Ignorance's silence. Sated with meaningless sex silence. Silence was the lack of human warmth. But this one was quite different.

« The _namagusa bouzu_ asked me once why you keep staying at my place. »

Gojyo wasn't really expecting an answer. He had spoken without meaning it, only because he was thinking of the events of the day just gone by. Hakkai felt something was strange with him but answered nonetheless.

« Oh. He asked me once, too, in Chou an. »

« And? »

« I didn't answer. »

Because, _I mean, he never remembers what day to take the trash out. I'm rather worried... _You can't call that an answer, right?

« I don't know whether I have the right to hold on you like that, » Hakkai added after a few minutes. That was true, he really meant it.

The _kappa's_ remembered the reproach in the monk's voice as he had stated he took too much the brunette for granted. It was almost funny to learn Hakkai nurtured the same interrogation at his regard.

« Look. You're not even gone a whole day and I was already feeling lost. Like a stranger in my own house. So who is the one clinging to the other, here, I wonder… »

There's no right time to say how much you care about somebody. You never know with certitude. And this isn't easy word. Right now, in the darkness, Gojyo could have told Hakkai about the strange discover he had just done. Walking gave time to think. Time to realize. Things were already quite different from before. Before Hakkai. It wasn't very long until he could put a name on the feeling.

Acceptance of the need of the other's presence. Knowledge that the other cared. It was clear, wasn't it?

They already had that. And nothing was going to change anytime soon since Hakkai was coming back home. Gojyo thought he had time to sort out his feelings. He postponed.

He gambled.

Ten steps. If nothing happens before ten steps, maybe I'll tell him right now.

He began counting down silently…Right foot after left foot…

_Ten – nine – eight - … - _

So it was the moment, hu? The place was nice. The only sound was the soft ruffling of the leaves left in the branches by the fresh night's breeze. The moonlight was poor, but gave a dreamy atmosphere to the scene. Out of the reality of crude daylight, it would be easier to talk. Why not after all…

_Two - …_

Gojyo took a deep breath. Was about to open his mouth, as…

As a little white dragon crashed down at Hakkai's feet in a dusty cloud of sand and with a weak cry. The moment was gone. They had suddenly new matters to think of.

…

« Hey! You can't just pick it up like that! You don't even know what it is! »

« Why not? Where would I be now, if somebody hadn't just _picked me up_, once? »

They came back home. They were three, now… And life went on. Gojyo felt good in the new routine of his little house. He never thought of that night again. He had all he wanted.

oOo **Owari **oOo

(1) « sinister »… OK, I don't know really wether the Latin root works in English too. Though the couple sinistra/dextra (left/right) works for latin, and dextre/senestre in old French (or in coat of arms for example)…Left side was said to be the unfavourable one in augurs, hence the _sinister_ adjective (but you can't expect Gojyo explain you that all correctly; it's Hakkai who is the _sensei_, right ?)…Tell me if it makes no sense, I'll remove the sentence.

(2) _(director's cut)_

« I you need a place a little bit quieter, the room **58** is free. And don't ask me how it got called 58 while we have only 11 rooms in the whole inn… » Cassandra interfered, a mop of messy blond hair popping up from the crowd behind and joining them…

« That's OK, we take it, » Gojyo said at once.

_(3) __(director's cut)_

Cassandra turned on her heels and kicked Gojyo's shin, surprising greatly the green-eyed _youkai_ by the way. « Now pay me! » she added. The former teacher understood somehow she wasn't speaking of the room's price.

« Don't try to understand: it's an old bet and she has won… »

« Sure I have! »

« What kind of bet? »

« Ten bucks more if you shut up… » Gojyo breathed discreetly near her ear, leaning in…

« I don't remember exactly. It's been a long time. But I've got a better memory with figures and money: I think it's the waitress' job: the number of unpaid bills is amazing in a bar! I Know I won but he was broke that day… » She shrugged innocently. « Knowing him a little, I'm sure it was about cards or women… »

« No doubt… » Hakkai agreed politely but smiling slightly. She was…weird.

« No journey scheduled? » she shouted as a last call. They were already outside.

« Nope, we're just going home, » Gojyo answered above his shoulder.

« Too bad… » she sounded utterly disappointed, looking at them disappearing.

Very…weird.

**Reviewer's corner :**

**Cesmith** Glad you liked the last chapter (deep relieved sigh). As usual, you see right through me. Well, now you know why Hakkai left…As you noticed, the characs here seem to have major issues. Though, I don't think a single day is enough to heal them completely, right? That's why the way Gojyo « fix it » as you say, may appear a little awkward. Though it was quite deliberate (anyway, it fitted the gambler thing). Maybe they're not mature enough yet, even if they begin open their eyes. Fortunately, a twisted-minded goddess will send them on a journey, three years later: cool. They are going to grow up at last (gives back the characs to their right owner)!!!

**Viciouscallisto : **(big smile) Hi! Nice to see you again (you were with us on Red Alliance, right?). Thanks for reading! You see? Gojyo has found Hakkai. He'd better have, since it's the last chapter. Anyway, Sanzo and Goku weren't supposed to appear in chapter 2 the way I first scheduled it, but I'm happy people think they were right to come messing up my plans (grrrr).

**Tiqa** (my favourite crazy girl) I note. And, if Tiqa-sama says so : (puts on the happy-always face). Does it please you better? Anyway, it's not Tenpou and Kenren here, though I suspect Goujun (sorry, I mean Hakuryu) came in just at that time only because he carries a old grudge against the taishou… That's a possibility…

**Crimson1 : **Poor, poor you! I made you wait, didn't I? Gomen. I'm pretty sure you're utterly disappointed it wasn't a love confession, right? But I wouldn't do that to poor Gojyo…I hope the eventual explanation wasn't too corny…Anyway, I really appreciated your eagerness to know the end. It was good for my mood…

**Anyway, thank you to all the readers** (bow very, very low).

I'm afraid it sounds a lot like my previous fic (a thousand leaves) but it's true I have written the two of them at the same time. I apologize. This summer, I wasn't on a sugar-high. I was on Hakkai-youkai-high… Be kind to me, though!

Every one, have good holidays, a merry X-mas and a happy new year, wherever you are!


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